'Stayover relationships' redefine young adult commitment
New study looks at college couples who spend 3-7 nights a week together — but keep separate homes
TODAY.com contributor
updated 7/29/2011 10:58:10 AM ET 2011-07-29T14:58:10
Share Print Font: +-If you’re concerned about wasting money because you and your mate spend almost every night together but maintain your own separate homes, don’t sweat it. You’re simply engaging in America’s “stayover relationship” trend.
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..University of Missouri researcher Tyler Jamison says she noticed that most of her college friends were “shacking up,” but had not formally moved in together. Instead, they spent three or more nights together a week and still kept their own places. She conducted a research study among college students and found that committed couples in their 20s are redefining dating and breaking social norms with this new relationship model.
Her study of committed couples who engage in the stayover lifestyle is published in the current issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
“This seems to be a pretty stable and convenient middle ground between casual dating and more formal commitments like living together and getting married,” says Jamison, a University of Missouri doctoral candidate and researcher in the department of human development and family studies in Columbia, Mo.
“It’s a comfortable thing people are doing when they are not totally sure they want to end up in a permanent situation with a person or don’t want to end up living together and having to find another place to live if they are break or decide who gets the dog."
Jamison believes stayover relationships represent a general trend that young people want to delay permanent relationships because they want to finish their education and pursue other goals. She’s expanding her research to examine unmarried parents, and suspects that people of all ages enjoy stayover relationships.
“Stayover is something they can do that doesn’t have a lot of consequences, but it has a lot of benefits,” she says.
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.Until a year ago, Michael Bless Jr., of Auburn Hills, Mich., enjoyed the benefits of a four-year stayover relationship. He liked the option of staying over or staying at home.
“Sometimes, you want your own space, and the next room may not be far enough,” says the 30-year-old engineering student at Oakland Community College. “I can love you and be with you almost every night, but there are times when I want to be alone.”
The couple parted ways when his former girlfriend graduated from the University of Detroit and took an accounting job in Miami. Wanting to fulfill his own goals, Bless says, “When she left, my commitment left.”
That's not surprising, says Aaron Turpeau, a licensed professional counselor and relationship expert in Atlanta. America’s obsession with independence is driving these stayover relationships, he explains.
“We don’t want anyone hindering us from doing our thing,” he says. “You hear people say it all the time: ‘You do you, and I’ll do me.’ Unfortunately, this obsession with independence leads to unhealthy human relationships.”
The consequence is people continue living on the fence, never committing one way or the other, says Turpeau, author of "The Harmonious Way: A Success Guide Guide to Selecting a Compatible Mate."
“We don’t value what we don’t need, and we don’t love what we don’t value,” he says. “I can say I want a relationship, but I don’t need a relationship. I want a man, but I don’t need a man. So we play house; we play marriage and as soon as we get tired, we go back to our own places.”
Nevertheless, Jamison is not convinced of any long-term consequences of stayover relationships.
“Without data, it’s hard to make a statement about it,” she says. “I doubt it has major implications for later commitments or marriages.”
© 2011 MSNBC Interactive.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
You do you, I'll do me...
I came across this article this morning, I find it both realeving and depressing all at the same time, the realeving part is well I am glad I am not the only one who thinks about the fact I want a relationship, not a need for one. But the depressing part is the outcome of it, and the lack of trying to keep things going. People just have loyalties to themselves, but yet expect to be in a healthy relationship.
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Nothing" is no longer a reason to not have something great :)
You got the first date under your belt what about the other ones?
Up for a Movie?
Choose a movie theater and just show up!
See the next movie showing, regardless of what it is. If it turns out to be a masterpiece, great. If not, scientists have proven that people develop feelings for each other more quickly when they have a mutual dislike in common. It's a total win-win.
Head to an Arcade
Do you have some serious skills when it comes to Miss Pac-Man? Tap into your 11-year-old self and impress your man with some old-school arcade moves.
Pick Apples
Spend some quality time in the orchard with your new man. Plus, this gives you the perfect excuse to wear that cute little plaid shirt tied high on the waist.
Take a Train
See how well the two of you do with public transportation. Choose a beach or a historical site just outside your city — nothing more than an hour away — and get to know each other on the ride.
Bumper Cars
See this childish endeavor as a slightly more sophisticated version of punching the guy you like on the arm on the playground.
Go Retro
Whether you're a history buff or a jaded, ironic hipster, nothing beats watching middle-aged accountants hoist muskets and don armor in order to re-create a great historical battle. Not only are reenactments entertaining, they're also educational.
Film Festival for Two
Each pick one of your more obscure favorite films, load up on snacks, choose the most comfortable couch, and hit the lights.
Cowboy and Cowgirl
A trip to the rodeo is a surefire ticket for a down and dirty good time. For all you city dwellers who can't find one, stop by a bar with a mechanical bull and watch all the drunk patrons as they struggle to stay on.
Rock Out
Go to see a local band neither of you know. This is great way to find out about his musical tastes. Plus, it's common knowledge that including anything rock 'n' roll on your date makes you look cooler — even if the band sucks.
Watch a Game
Get an adrenaline boost by attending a rowdy sports game or sporting event. Rooting for different teams? A little innocent rivalry is a good way to get your blood pumping.
Trivia Night
Amaze your date with your stockpile of random and probably useless facts at a local trivia night at a bar. Plus, if your team wins, drinks are usually on the house.
Visit a Library
Show each other your favorite books from childhood. Read some of your all-time favorite passages or check out the Kama Sutra. Regardless, whispering can be extremely sexy.
Visit a Garden
Head to your local botanical garden. Make out under a giant palm leaf or share childhood stories behind a knotty pine.
Tiny Dancers
A little skin can be a good thing. Find a local burlesque group and catch a show. Keep in mind that this is one of the racier second-date options and not for those who blush easily.
Visit a Museum
They range from naughty (NYC's Museum of Sex) to nice (the Morgan Doll Museum in Oklahoma). Pick one that suits the mood you want to set.
Play Cards
Grab a deck of cards, find a secluded park bench or just sit at the kitchen table and deal. Spit, Go Fish, gin rummy, poker, strip poker — the game and terms are up to you.
Go to the Driving Range
Rent a couple of clubs and have him show you the correct way to align your hips for a perfect swing.
Visit a Farmer's Market
Go green together by visiting a local farmers' market. Pick up some quality organic ingredients and head back to your place for a tasty meal.
Go to a Gallery Opening
These are great events for dates because there's no entry free and you can usually score a glass of wine.
Have a Cookout
The fire escape picnic is a timelessly romantic urban tradition. Fire up the hibachi and grill up a feast while life continues stories below you.
Get Spooky
Check out a local ghost tour — it's a great excuse to grab on to him and hold tight. Ghost tours have grown in popularity over the last decade — most towns offer one. Get in the mood by watching a scary movie beforehand.
Couple walking in a marina\\"51 Second-Date Ideas"\\Photo: Henrik Trygg\Johner Images, courtesy of Marie Claire
Go Boating
Rent a paddleboat in the park, set sail off your closest coast, or push off in a dinghy in a nearby lake. Find your sea legs and steal his heart with some quality time on the water.
Make Ice Cream
Whether it's with an electric machine or a hand cranker, making ice cream will take you back to a more innocent time — and the results taste awesome
Go Fishing
This is one activity that will give you plenty of time to talk and get to know each other. You might even catch something.
Go to the Zoo
Baby koalas, cute animals of every shape and size and a hot guy — how can you go wrong
Go Horseback Riding
Take a lesson together or — if you've got experience — ride out unchaperoned. Bonus romance points if you can do it on a beach … ride horses, that is.
Try a New Food Together
Enjoy a Korean BBQ! These ethnic spots are steeped in custom — traditional Korean BBQs require you to remove your shoes at the door, sit at a floor-level "table," and grill your own entrées. A little exoticism is good for a new romance.
Visit a Maze
Forget the lawn creatures in The Shining. Navigating a corn maze together can create a sense of excitement. Plus, there's no harm in getting lost — it can actually add a thrilling spike of adrenaline.
Head to a Beer Garden
The beer garden is a staple of German culture. Stretch your cultural muscles and test your tolerance with this age-old Teutonic festivity.
Go to a Music Festival
Channel the Summer of Love by taking him to an outdoor music festival.
Watch an Outdoor Movie
The summer is prime time for outdoor movies — so grab a blanket and a cooler and find one near you. They're just as entertaining as going to a theater, but with more opportunity to make out. (Better yet, if there's still a drive-in in your vicinity, hit it up before it closes down.)
Get Your Palms Read
Whether you believe in the occult or not, it's fun and is sure to provoke a conversation. Just don't ask any questions about your love line.
Picnic in a Park
Grab a blanket, make some sandwiches, and hit the green. After you're done eating, lie back in the sun, people-watch, or play Twenty Questions to dig up some dirt about what makes him tick. (Just don't ask anything too personal.)
Play Sports
Go head to head in a heated Frisbee match and join forces for some Sunday softball. Teamwork and working up a mild sweat — avoid anything that will get you drenched — are guaranteed to pull you closer
Make S'mores
A common theme about good dates is that if it was fun to do in elementary school, it's probably doubly fun now. So, rip open a bag of marshmallows and make some s'mores.
Play Pool
Grab some cues and make a friendly wager — a couple of bucks or 15 minutes in your apartment at the end of the night.
Attend a Poetry Reading
You'll either be swept away by a tide of emotions or get an opportunity to test out the rhythm of your snarky, witty banter
Go for a Night Swim
Find an outdoor public pool that's open late. Take your date swimming at sunset. Most all the little kids will be gone, and there's something exciting about being in a pool after dark.
Work in Clay Together
Take a lesson at a pottery studio. Hey, it worked for Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost.
Rent Bikes
Whether you're in a city or the countryside, renting bikes is a great way to explore where you live. Give him an extra-nice view by wearing a cute little summer dress and staying a few paces ahead of him.
Ride a Roller Coaster
Think he's the one? Get him on a roller coaster ASAP. Studies show that participating in any kind of intense or thrilling activity produces a mutual feeling of vulnerability, boosting arousal and forming emotional bonds
Play Some Games
Yeah, he's hot, and the first-date conversation was fun, but can the guy spell? Have a Scrabble smackdown and find out before things get serious.
Visit a Fair
Let him win you a stuffed animal, eat too much cotton candy, and take a trip on both the Ferris wheel and the carousel. They are both adorably romantic.
See a Stand-Up Comedy Show
Laughing releases endorphins, which sets a great tone for the night. But be sure to sit in the back — a good comedian will pick up on even the smallest hint of awkwardness and exploit it
Walk Some Dogs
Take your date to the local animal shelter and offer to walk a pair of lovable pups. Animal shelters are always looking for volunteers, and you'll be able to gauge his patience with animals.
Get Wet
Grab your cutest bikini and forgo hair products and non-waterproof mascara and go to a water park. Just try to go during off-peak times to avoid the onslaught of rambunctious children.
Go Wine Tasting
Wine tasting is a classy way to grab a drink. You may learn a thing or two about grapes, vintages, bouquets, and after a glass or two, him.
Go date, be happy...:)
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/staticslideshowmc.aspx?cp-documentid=25134907>1=32092
Up for a Movie?
Choose a movie theater and just show up!
See the next movie showing, regardless of what it is. If it turns out to be a masterpiece, great. If not, scientists have proven that people develop feelings for each other more quickly when they have a mutual dislike in common. It's a total win-win.
Head to an Arcade
Do you have some serious skills when it comes to Miss Pac-Man? Tap into your 11-year-old self and impress your man with some old-school arcade moves.
Pick Apples
Spend some quality time in the orchard with your new man. Plus, this gives you the perfect excuse to wear that cute little plaid shirt tied high on the waist.
Take a Train
See how well the two of you do with public transportation. Choose a beach or a historical site just outside your city — nothing more than an hour away — and get to know each other on the ride.
Bumper Cars
See this childish endeavor as a slightly more sophisticated version of punching the guy you like on the arm on the playground.
Go Retro
Whether you're a history buff or a jaded, ironic hipster, nothing beats watching middle-aged accountants hoist muskets and don armor in order to re-create a great historical battle. Not only are reenactments entertaining, they're also educational.
Film Festival for Two
Each pick one of your more obscure favorite films, load up on snacks, choose the most comfortable couch, and hit the lights.
Cowboy and Cowgirl
A trip to the rodeo is a surefire ticket for a down and dirty good time. For all you city dwellers who can't find one, stop by a bar with a mechanical bull and watch all the drunk patrons as they struggle to stay on.
Rock Out
Go to see a local band neither of you know. This is great way to find out about his musical tastes. Plus, it's common knowledge that including anything rock 'n' roll on your date makes you look cooler — even if the band sucks.
Watch a Game
Get an adrenaline boost by attending a rowdy sports game or sporting event. Rooting for different teams? A little innocent rivalry is a good way to get your blood pumping.
Trivia Night
Amaze your date with your stockpile of random and probably useless facts at a local trivia night at a bar. Plus, if your team wins, drinks are usually on the house.
Visit a Library
Show each other your favorite books from childhood. Read some of your all-time favorite passages or check out the Kama Sutra. Regardless, whispering can be extremely sexy.
Visit a Garden
Head to your local botanical garden. Make out under a giant palm leaf or share childhood stories behind a knotty pine.
Tiny Dancers
A little skin can be a good thing. Find a local burlesque group and catch a show. Keep in mind that this is one of the racier second-date options and not for those who blush easily.
Visit a Museum
They range from naughty (NYC's Museum of Sex) to nice (the Morgan Doll Museum in Oklahoma). Pick one that suits the mood you want to set.
Play Cards
Grab a deck of cards, find a secluded park bench or just sit at the kitchen table and deal. Spit, Go Fish, gin rummy, poker, strip poker — the game and terms are up to you.
Go to the Driving Range
Rent a couple of clubs and have him show you the correct way to align your hips for a perfect swing.
Visit a Farmer's Market
Go green together by visiting a local farmers' market. Pick up some quality organic ingredients and head back to your place for a tasty meal.
Go to a Gallery Opening
These are great events for dates because there's no entry free and you can usually score a glass of wine.
Have a Cookout
The fire escape picnic is a timelessly romantic urban tradition. Fire up the hibachi and grill up a feast while life continues stories below you.
Get Spooky
Check out a local ghost tour — it's a great excuse to grab on to him and hold tight. Ghost tours have grown in popularity over the last decade — most towns offer one. Get in the mood by watching a scary movie beforehand.
Couple walking in a marina\\"51 Second-Date Ideas"\\Photo: Henrik Trygg\Johner Images, courtesy of Marie Claire
Go Boating
Rent a paddleboat in the park, set sail off your closest coast, or push off in a dinghy in a nearby lake. Find your sea legs and steal his heart with some quality time on the water.
Make Ice Cream
Whether it's with an electric machine or a hand cranker, making ice cream will take you back to a more innocent time — and the results taste awesome
Go Fishing
This is one activity that will give you plenty of time to talk and get to know each other. You might even catch something.
Go to the Zoo
Baby koalas, cute animals of every shape and size and a hot guy — how can you go wrong
Go Horseback Riding
Take a lesson together or — if you've got experience — ride out unchaperoned. Bonus romance points if you can do it on a beach … ride horses, that is.
Try a New Food Together
Enjoy a Korean BBQ! These ethnic spots are steeped in custom — traditional Korean BBQs require you to remove your shoes at the door, sit at a floor-level "table," and grill your own entrées. A little exoticism is good for a new romance.
Visit a Maze
Forget the lawn creatures in The Shining. Navigating a corn maze together can create a sense of excitement. Plus, there's no harm in getting lost — it can actually add a thrilling spike of adrenaline.
Head to a Beer Garden
The beer garden is a staple of German culture. Stretch your cultural muscles and test your tolerance with this age-old Teutonic festivity.
Go to a Music Festival
Channel the Summer of Love by taking him to an outdoor music festival.
Watch an Outdoor Movie
The summer is prime time for outdoor movies — so grab a blanket and a cooler and find one near you. They're just as entertaining as going to a theater, but with more opportunity to make out. (Better yet, if there's still a drive-in in your vicinity, hit it up before it closes down.)
Get Your Palms Read
Whether you believe in the occult or not, it's fun and is sure to provoke a conversation. Just don't ask any questions about your love line.
Picnic in a Park
Grab a blanket, make some sandwiches, and hit the green. After you're done eating, lie back in the sun, people-watch, or play Twenty Questions to dig up some dirt about what makes him tick. (Just don't ask anything too personal.)
Play Sports
Go head to head in a heated Frisbee match and join forces for some Sunday softball. Teamwork and working up a mild sweat — avoid anything that will get you drenched — are guaranteed to pull you closer
Make S'mores
A common theme about good dates is that if it was fun to do in elementary school, it's probably doubly fun now. So, rip open a bag of marshmallows and make some s'mores.
Play Pool
Grab some cues and make a friendly wager — a couple of bucks or 15 minutes in your apartment at the end of the night.
Attend a Poetry Reading
You'll either be swept away by a tide of emotions or get an opportunity to test out the rhythm of your snarky, witty banter
Go for a Night Swim
Find an outdoor public pool that's open late. Take your date swimming at sunset. Most all the little kids will be gone, and there's something exciting about being in a pool after dark.
Work in Clay Together
Take a lesson at a pottery studio. Hey, it worked for Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost.
Rent Bikes
Whether you're in a city or the countryside, renting bikes is a great way to explore where you live. Give him an extra-nice view by wearing a cute little summer dress and staying a few paces ahead of him.
Ride a Roller Coaster
Think he's the one? Get him on a roller coaster ASAP. Studies show that participating in any kind of intense or thrilling activity produces a mutual feeling of vulnerability, boosting arousal and forming emotional bonds
Play Some Games
Yeah, he's hot, and the first-date conversation was fun, but can the guy spell? Have a Scrabble smackdown and find out before things get serious.
Visit a Fair
Let him win you a stuffed animal, eat too much cotton candy, and take a trip on both the Ferris wheel and the carousel. They are both adorably romantic.
See a Stand-Up Comedy Show
Laughing releases endorphins, which sets a great tone for the night. But be sure to sit in the back — a good comedian will pick up on even the smallest hint of awkwardness and exploit it
Walk Some Dogs
Take your date to the local animal shelter and offer to walk a pair of lovable pups. Animal shelters are always looking for volunteers, and you'll be able to gauge his patience with animals.
Get Wet
Grab your cutest bikini and forgo hair products and non-waterproof mascara and go to a water park. Just try to go during off-peak times to avoid the onslaught of rambunctious children.
Go Wine Tasting
Wine tasting is a classy way to grab a drink. You may learn a thing or two about grapes, vintages, bouquets, and after a glass or two, him.
Go date, be happy...:)
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/staticslideshowmc.aspx?cp-documentid=25134907>1=32092
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