Holy Crap....let’s talk whirl wind
life, heartbreak and loving yourself!
Be Prepared, I am trying not to
shorten this story for the sake of readership, I am using this as a level
of therapeutic expression, or maybe in hopes of saving someone from the roller
coaster that was my most recent relationship, but let’s be honest, you can't
save some one, you can just show them they are not alone. It is one,
among MANY things I have learned from this....
Let us start from the beginning...
Boy meets girl, girl doesn't give
him the time of day. They strike up a friendship for about 2 years
because they both were attached at the time and when the stars finally (kind
of) aligned in their favor... they begin what seems like a true romance.
The courting was great, dates almost every day; the man was really laying it on
thick. The girl (that’s meeee) was eating it up, and falling
head over
heels. To the outside world there was an amazing romance happening, even to my
blind eyes I was thinking this was the making of an amazing partnership. (It
has taken me a long time to write this blog purely for the facts I have locked
up so many of the negative memories, that I couldn't even access them I).
There
were times that man made me feel so special and so loved that I literally could
see hearts in the sky, but as our relationship aged and matured, those moments
were far and few between. I think when averaged out, I spent more time
worried, upset and heartbroken then the feeling of warmth and love. Some
people might wonder why I would stay if I continued to be so un happy! I
honestly don't know what to say, maybe I saw that there was a good man in there
screaming to get out, maybe it was because I loved the idea of him, maybe I saw
a fixer-upper and I knew it would be an adventure.
Over time in our
relationship we had our fights; we had our moments of wanting to end things.
There are a couple nights that stood out in my mind because they showed
me his true colors and the strength I had to be the person I am. One night my
sister and I went out to the city to meet him and his friends, he was already
pretty deep in drinks but he was so lovey I couldn't be upset. A couple
hours into the night he kept leaving me, there was even a point I was dancing
and other guys were around me, he didn't even show a moment of jealousy. When
he was drunk beyond belief I was ready to go, we shortly realized his friends
had left him in my hands. Weird right, well later in my relationship I
realized why! Well anyways we were finally leaving, and in the elevator there
was a family of Indian decent and my boyfriend thought they were looking at him
funny, so he tried to provoke a fight with them. I was MORTIFIED! We got
to the car and almost instantly he passed out cold, it took everything in my
power to not take corners quickly. Of course my sister was in the car so I had
to put on the tough girl act and make it seem like this was nothing! But this
was the first time in our relationship I had seen/dealt with him this bad! The
next day we had a long talk, and the outcome was don't worry it won't happen
again and that he was sorry. I stupidly believed him!
I mean the day to day was fine and
dandy, but reflecting back on those days, I could never count on him, I felt
like I was the glue that flapping flag to the pole.
Another event that stood out to me,
was we were out to dinner and I was looking at something on his phone and my
gut told me to look at his texts messages, and sure enough I found that he went
to some girls house at 4am, and spent the night..... Alright... folks what
would you do? I walked out, not in a scene; I went to my car, let out a huge
sobbing cry, collected myself and walked back into the restaurant. (The restaurant
was where he worked and the girl was a co-worker (who he had said had a crush
on him). I walked back in, and I asked him to explain, he of course had
something to say, like he went over there because there were a lot of people
there and it was a party. Well, this event is what sent us to therapy
every week for 6 months. Back story on the therapy we fought a lot about
the same things, girls he talked to, his actions I didn't understand, you know
the "normal’ relationship wrinkles we were just ironing them out. HA! Ok anyways,
therapy was his idea, he was like "I love you, you are it for me, let’s go
to therapy maybe it can help” See folks.., those things were what kept me
attached. So we went to therapy and things were GREAT our relationship was
being tested in good ways and we could see the growth within, and were happy!
Well, that all changed when we moved in together....OH a little thing that
maybe you picked up on, or maybe not...he has a bit of an addiction problem...
I would think of him out, but when
he was out he would almost punished me if I texted him, when I say that it
means if I texted he would then purposely not text me back...
I use to worry about events we did
on his days off and if there was booze, for both sides of the spectrum... If there was
booze would he get too drunk and embarrass me, or if there wasn't booze would
he throw a fit about going, for example: my sorority sister had a wedding and
it was dry, I held that fact out until we were a couple hours into our drive...
When I told him he was so upset with me... That wedding was gorgeous but I
couldn't enjoy it or relax because I knew how upset\bored he was...
The hardest thing about everything
was I would do anything for him, I sucked it up and acted like a trooper for a
ton of things he wanted to do and I didn't... But for the few events I wanted
my boyfriend to come too he couldn't put a trooper face and support me...
I mean I have to say, there
were nights he came home all lovingly drunk and sweet and cute...but those
weren't as many as the crazy nights. There was one night in the last two
weeks, we shall call them hell weeks... he came home drunk and I had asked how his
night was, and if he had fun... He lost it! He got soo mad that I was
asking him and checking up on him. I am sorry, I thought normal people asked
people how the days were when they were in a relationship. He was so angry he
threw this book at me, it landed behind my head and he then preceded throw some
shoes too. That night was the first
night I left at 2:00am and stayed the night at my parents.. This set the huge ball of mud rolling down
the hill. He saw me leaving as a
decision, not an action. The next
morning he couldn’t even muster the strength to talk. Must be nice being a drunk, he gets to forget
all of the things I can never, ever forget!
So the hell week, was a series of rinse and repeat, I would go to work,
he was sleeping off his hangover, I would come home he was at work, I would be home,
he would be at the bar, I would be sleeping he would come home drunk. No time for us, no sober time. I was feeling so lost, I was feeling like I
was losing control of myself. When I
feel that happening I would always pray to my grandma for guidance, this time
her guidance came in the form of a rescue puppy. I have never been the impulsive type but the
Monday before doomsday(the day I left) I
felt this urge to check for a puppy, I came across a listing for a rescue
puppy, I went for it.. I went that
moment and got it…I brought it home. He wanted it, I wanted it… the stupid
ruinmate( I used the right word, he was a poison that got into our relationships
cracks) said no, mind you this ruinmate
has a dog, A BIG ONE. The fact that my
boyfriend couldn’t stand up to this guy about a little puppy was the icing on the cake… I can
honestly say I left because of the dog, and I am so thankful for that dog
because I don’t think I would have left when I did with out it. I would have toughed it out because I feel
like I was able to handle it, or deal with it.
But let me just say… I shouldn’t have to deal with it or handle it….no one should. The pain, the worrying, the
suffering… I feel like a whole weight has been lifted from me. It is a
liberating thing to not worry about a boyfriend making a fool of himself or you, getting drunk and in trouble, or even doing something worse....
I was on the plane to San Diego which was my much deserved
vacation. I was sitting next to a woman and we got to talking, she said
something to me that helped bring a lot into light… She said that an addict
stops aging at the age they started their choice addiction. This makes SO much sense! He was 31 but wasn’t
doing the “normal” things a 31 would do, getting secure, growing up, and
settling down. I am so glad to realize
that there was nothing I could do to
help him even though the whole time I was with him I thought I could help him…
This blog is not nearly as detailed as I would like, but I felt very vulnerable
with giving the very intimate details, because my ex is an awesome guy for the
right person and I learned a lot from
him and our relationship. I find that I
will be a better person from it and don’t think he deserves to have all of his
laundry aired. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in life… I loved him..
But I had to love myself more…….
In the images below the closing, you will see the
trend and my thought process. I would
write in the little cell journal every
night that I couldn’t go to sleep because of the anger or hurt or whatever I
was feeling, so instead of letting it bother me and my sleep, I would write it
and forget it……
So what now??!?!?! Stay tuned
to my next post, but let’s be honest... I am an adult and I just want to
have fun!!! I already have a post brewing about being a woman and going for
what you want and how it can have a serious double standard and can be
discouraging!
I still miss him… Idk why I miss him
sometimes... I was a single girl with a boyfriend since the party nights were
the bar tending nights
What did he contribute?
Photo Credit to @mandyhale The single woman :
If you don't feel like reading all of this let me just give you the re-cap... He said a lot of words with no actions, I could never count on him... we had no trust and many issues......
October 2012- The fact he lied
about when he last had sex, right after having sex with me..... The fact he
hooked up with someone while pursing me....Why he would offer to meet up
and talk about it, would he have told me? Opened the portal for me not to
trust him. You say I'm all you want, yet when you were on your way to
having me you slept with her?! I need to understand how that happened... I
thought it was something of your past, is that way you don't consider me
your rebound? The fact he should know how if we plan something and he has
been asked to work he should know what my answer would be because he cares
and knows how it makes me feel. He knows how I feel on things and
still does them.
December 2012- I should be your
everything, you came to me to talk about things because I understood, and
nothing has changed expect now you don't talk to me... You talk to ones you
have slept with... It is not fair to me... Emotionally to know my boyfriend
who loves me is confiding in women you have had sex with. To me sex is a
big deal... Doesn't seem like it is to you. Therefore you won't fully
understand where I am coming from. The story keeps changing and the
timeline keeps changing lie by submission is still a lie.... What more is
there to the story, another one nighters I haven't learned about? I
shouldn't have to be dealing with this... You know what this does to me,
fix it or change it or I won't be around to stand for it, because it is
emotionally stressful and I shouldn't have that in a loving committed relationship.
The sad or good thing about it all, if you say you are done talking to them
or whatever I'll still wonder but trusting you, because you have seamlessly
lied before about them, once that trust gets lost we won't have anything so
don't make another promise you don't intend on keeping because this little
issue boils down to trust... Without trust we have nothing!!!! If
they are benefited to your life fine, but that's your decision on what is
more important....because it could be a breaking point for us if this
doesn't change or get resolved.
Also
if you say you can and you don’t, or you hide it or lie... I am gone no
matter how much you mean to me because that would just show you don't
respect me and don't care how I feel....
Have
you realized this issue is always our biggest fight, yet nothing gets
changed?
Don't
make it seem like you are so much more trusting, I have not given you any
reason to doubt me, you have.
Yes
past things are being brought up because they are affecting our future, I
don't want to keep fighting over this same crap, you know how I feel about
this all, what you do with is your decision.
I
know you chose me, what happens the one night you don't choose me?
It's
easy to say you love me and that you would do anything for me... But to
actually act on that and physically show me that is different.
Jan
2013-
I
want a man who wants to hear about my day, who answers my call who wants to
tell me where they are and who they are with not because I ask but because they
want too. I wish you would check your phone the way you do when you are with
me(when you aren't around me) it frustrates me because when we are together it
vibrates you jump to it but they way you are when you aren't with me it's like
you don't have a phone. I feel like you try and forget me when you aren't with
me. Or that you don't think about me when we aren't together and that bothers
me.
I need reassurance at
least for awhile I don't get that, I don't get I loves you too or have a good
nights from you...when you are out...
Strike 3.... If you
can't fix this behavior we can't make this work
You selfish... I sit
and want to make you happy and act on it. You tell me you would do anything to
make me happy. Yet you actually don't act on it. I know you love me, act like
you care about me or be in love with me.
Trust doesn't appear
it's earned and frankly you give me no reason to trust you, Lady1 vs. Taxi,
Hannah Montana at claim jumper the night you met me outside instead (when asked
you were hanging with Bro 1, again a lie is a lie even if it’s a choice
omission) and those are just a few.. what about every other thing I may not
know..
March
2013-You
will lose me... The night you decided to go to her house ruined everything we
have built in regards to trust and commitment... Check phone... If he called
her... Why would he be compelled... If she called and he says yes... It sends
the wrong message about his relationship status and commitment... To a girl it
says there is a chance... I know your intentions may be to just be friends...
But you have to watch your boundaries... You don't want to cont to lead her on
or get yourself in a situation you can't get out of or you'll regret...
April 2013- I
can't count on him, I know he has great intentions but no follow through... I'm
developing a habit of hearing his words but knowingly expecting him to not do
it...our relationship lacks the passion and desire in actions to be with each
other.
June
2013- Overall
frustrated... I felt funny mad hurt sad that he chose to stay with his friend
that he drug me out to "meet" sometimes I feel like he just wanted a
ride... I felt used, left, unimportant... And it's not about his friends
it's about his drinking choosing to stay and drink rather than go with me....
That he said he wasn't going to take shots anymore and the next day he was
taking shots.... I hate that I can't count on him....
October
2013-
I can't count
on you to do anything you say you will, every plan we make changes
It's not normal to
act this way, going to the bar by yourself for all hours, a couple drinks is
fine. And with no desire to tell me when you are off or inviting me to be with
you. It's almost rebellious
Before we moved in he would tell me when he was off work and would invite
me out, now he doesn't things shouldn't change this much
There is no romance,
no wooing no working for our relationship no intimacy...
We don't do anything
I feel like all we do is argue about him drinking or going out. If he didn't
drink all the time and spend most nights out partying we would have more time
for us, and we wouldn't be fighting...
He disregards my
desires of normalcy because he thinks they are from movies or Cosmo... But they
are really just the things I need
There is something
not right with you wanting to be out drinking by yourself over being home with
me or even having me come out with you.
This last week he
spent the 3 nights he had off drinking... Not spending any time with me until
the night I made him do something with me
I should not make him
he should offer
He doesn't do
anything to show or prove to me that he wants me or this relationship
I can't handle him
drinking all the time
I respect him and his
choice to drink but I can't watch this happen... When he is like this he isn't
the kind if man I think I can spend my life with. And what hurt me most.. He
thinks everything is ok with his actions...
I shouldn't be a back
burner for drinking and
your bar life
I don't like
that I went into this going off his wors of when I have my own place I'll
go to the bar less... Since we have moved in there isn't a single night that he
hasn't gone to the bar
A night cap that
lasted 4 hours... “Seeing me soon” those are all things that he says and I
believe but he is never true to his words even his coming home soon at 11:30
and doesn't come till after 1am and the worst part is I can't even call or text
to ask where he is because I am worried, he takes it as nagging.
When he told me he
was going for a night cap, and he'd see me soon, I wanted to believe with all
my heart that meant he was only going for a couple hours, but I knew in my head
that meant he would be closing the bar down...
I don't want a drunk
for a boyfriend it's hard because I am in love with an alcoholic and there is
nothing he is willing to do to change it because he thinks it's is normal to
drink this much
I want someone who
chooses me...
Not a night life or
the fast scene
I don't think he is
able to go a single day with out a drink
We have fought none
stop for 2 weeks I think it's cuz he is drinking more, being unreliable and not
respectful.
I put up with the
actions for the first week---kid in candy store
But now--- if this is
how I can expect things, I can't do this... I want more than crying myself to
sleep because my boyfriend would rather be drinking at a bar...
I hate feeling
jealous of others relationships when I never felt this way before...
