Thursday, April 21, 2011

...where is a happy medium......

There are so many things that lead a person to wonder where is the happy medium... life, flirting, relationships, effort, work...the list goes on and on.... Lets start with relationships with flirting where is too much and or too little....

"A real man wants a real woman, not an adolescent. And a woman who flirts like a little girl comes off as desperate and needy," says Marie Forleo, author of Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself!." this than brings up more..the desire to define needy.... because needy is a big no no in most relationships, I mean there are some guys out there that need to be the knight and shinning armor( all women want a man that could be these man). I think needy is a hard thing to define because to each their own. I mean for me I am affectionate, and caring, and that in its self comes out as needy. I just like people knowing I am thinking of them or caring for them. I am a flirt. I know I am a HUGE flirt. I give attractive compliments, even when the person receiving them SUCKS at returning them, not that I say compliments to receive them back...but it does open that revolving door that feels soo good to have swung in your direction(side note that is the down fall of projected self esteem, people think you dont need those compliments when in reality you need them the most). I like to touch people that I am interested in, not that creepy touching but that "hey I may like you" touch, we all know it! I do pet names, I may make you think I call everyone that name like "boo" or "muffin"..I mean I do call a lot of people that but its a different tone for the right person. Where was I going with that?! humphhhhh anyyyywayssss

I had a guy tell me he likes when the woman takes control in the relationship, in general or something like that, that is all fine and dandy..... kudos to that man for being able to be let a women be the person she is but you are not doing any justice to anyone by encouraging your own insecurities or laziness. I mean sir its not about being in control all the time but knowing that you could take control of the situation if it is necessary. It is SUCH a turn off to always have to make decisions. I think it is funny because a guy who wants a girl to be in control is going to be attracted to women who like control, but those women like when a guy can be in control(goes back to the knowing if a person being able to take control if the need be) so it is a vicious cycle. I mean I get it, it can be super dragging to be the one in control, but isn't that the point of a relationship and give and take so that no one gets bogged with all the decisions all the time?! Maybe even harmony?

I mean to rock my boat you need have the ability( and express it) to be in control, to be aggressive for the things you want(let a girl know you find her attractive, or that you think she is smart...if you have a hard time just saying find ways to show it..because if a girl is like me they lose interest real fast when they think they are not be appreciated for the full picture...remedy it by showing or telling them what you think and often in as many or few words as you need), be philanthropic(stand for something bigger than yourself), be a conversationalist(the biggest turn on is the mind, I think the ability to converse is going to out weigh anything else.) Take initiative, you want it get it. Share your life, not every detail, just what matters most to you, because in the end that is what makes you into you. Be chivalrous,it has nothing to do with money...back in the days when chivalry was coined, do you think it had anything to do with how much money was in a guys pocket? Nope it was about being the "man" and doing things to make a women feel special. Do little things because women think about the little things, also if you are not trying to be that someone for a girl, think of the little things she might be picking up on. We all know those things....if you don't well you need to think real hard because they are super simple.

I have been told I am too happy..what is too happy? I am perfectly content with the amount of happy I posses? Maybe they are not happy enough? I mean I have my limits, dont laugh at funerals, dont giggle at death, nor smile at someones sad story. But what defines to happy? Yes I get through my day with a smile on my face 9 out of 10 times, but that doesnt mean I dont stress nor does that mean I am not filled with other emotions. I like to think I channel it, while most see it as hiding the other emotions. But, frankly I think all other emotions are just a waste of time. I mean I think they can be necessary, but why emphasis on them, what are you really trying to get? Attention....? Trust get more bees with honey than salt. I think I talk to more people in one day when I smile than anything else. Try it and you will it experiment high ;)

Thats it for now.....

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Perfect question with no real answer

The following is an article I read from USA today.... I love is so to the point and thought provoking for a single girl with hopes of one day being in a definable relationship that doesn't label one as a tramp.

If you read through this article it shows that dating is kind of dead, at least the generations before us way of dating. Now what is the definition of dating? I struggle with this because of how many different ideas of dating there are. There is the dating where you spend all your time together doing things like friends do but also have that physical connection(this one can be defined as FWB if you have never had the "relationship talk") Or there is the dating causally but still don't have that connection of truly caring about what is going on with each other. Or that you have this guy who takes you out and buys you things and blah blah blah...that ladies is olden is time for woman to be independent...own up to the things woman have been fighting for...that is a separate day for a completely different topic.

There really is just so many definitions. I personally have thought it over and think dating(or a meaningful romantic relationship) can be defined as: Someone you genuinely care about, you care about what is going on in their lives, you see things or have things happen that you want to share with them, you are physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to what they bring to the table. That you want to spend all your time together in the idea of you both can get things done with each other around. That sex and physical things are just an added bonus to show the connection you two share...not a necessary component. That is my basic definition of a meaningful relationship...but the most important part is talking it over...there is nothing more unfair than not know what you mean to someone. No matter how hurtful things can be it is more hurtful to be apart of a one-sided relationship. Who know's maybe they just like you enough that they would want you in their life, romantic relationship or not.

Is dating dead?
Less commitment and more ‘hookups,’ but also more virgins: The new face of sex and relationships among young adults

By Sharon Jayson

It wasn’t until the second semester of her senior year at Fordham University in New York that Kathleen Adams had a college boyfriend.

“You just don’t date at colleges,” says Adams, 23, now a Fordham graduate student in urban studies.

But there’s no shortage of casual sex on campus, she says - in part because Fordham, like many colleges, has significantly more women than men. Adams says that means guys have the upper hand when it comes to intimacy.

“It’s kind of like a competition,” she says. “The guys have their choice of whoever they want. So they think, ‘Why would I date?’ ”

The relationship game among college-age adults today is a muddle of seemingly contradictory trends. Recent studies indicate that traditional dating on campuses has taken a back seat to no-strings relationships in which bonds between young men and women are increasingly brief and sexual. (A new website to arrange these encounters that began at the University of Chicago last month now is expanding to other campuses.)

But even as casual sex - often called “hookups” or “friends with benefits” - is a dominant part of campus life, a new report by the National Center for Health Statistics indicates the percentages of men and women 18-24 who say they are virgins also are increasing.

It all reflects an emerging paradigm that is altering the nature of sex and relationships among young adults: fewer men than women on campuses, a more openly sexual society that often takes cues from media, and a declining desire to make relationship commitments early in life.

Adams’ experience is the reality for many of today’s college students, says Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas-Austin.

His research suggests that the higher proportion of women on campuses has contributed to the ascent of the hookup culture. Overall, women made up more than 56 percent of the college population in 2009, according to the recent Census data on enrollments; more women are found on many campuses that serve both sexes.

“The women wind up competing with each other for access to the men, and often, that means relationships become sexual quicker,” says Regnerus, co-author of Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying, released earlier this year. It is based on an analysis of four national studies representing a total of 25,000 young people ages 18-23 and more than 200 additional interviews.

“Men don’t have to work as hard as they used to, to woo a woman,” he says. “I’ve talked to various interviewees who had never been on a date, which doesn’t really make sense, given they’re pretty attractive. It’s just that less seems to be required to be in the company of a woman.”

Justin Garcia, a State University of New York doctoral fellow at Binghamton University who conducts research on hookups, says this general lack of dating means many young adults don’t even know how to get a relationship started.

“For the majority of students, they’re not going to dinner and a movie unless they’ve hooked up with someone. Some physical interaction comes before the dating,” he says. Often, “dates happen after a relationship, rather than before.”

Avoiding commitment

Many young people are eschewing relationships as too much hassle, especially when they plan to study abroad, leave town for internships or go to graduate school, says sociologist Teresa Downing-Matibag of Iowa State University.

“They want to have their freedom and are not always interested in these committed relationships. At the same time, they’ll tell you they will not be in a relationship without sex being an important part of it,” she says. The down economy has forced many students to work because their parents aren’t as capable of funding their education; that means they’re juggling school and work and are less likely to have time to devote to a relationship, she adds.

“With the people that I know, there is a fair share of hooking up just to have sex, and the intention is to only do it once and possibly never see that person again,” says Rachel Curtis, 22, an Iowa State grad student. “I know a few girls who would like to hook up every weekend, but sometimes the opportunity doesn’t present itself. They call that an ‘unlucky night.’ ”

The cryptic nature of what a hookup involves appeals to many young people: They deliberately want to be vague so they can exaggerate or hide their actions from their friends, analysts say.

“‘Hookup’ leaves it to the imagination. The ambiguity is intentional,” says Michael Bruce of San Francisco, co-editor of College Sex: Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits.

“Hooking up is very vague. It can be anything from kissing on the dance floor to you go back and have sex in the room and sleep over,” says Leah Reis-Dennis, 19, a Harvard University sophomore from Eugene, Ore.

“It’s called hanging out, but it’s really hooking up,” adds Kirsten Ellermann, 20, a junior at Iowa State University who has been in a relationship for more than a year. “You know what it means when a guy says he wants to come over and hang out. He’s not taking you to dinner.”

“In a big way, hookups have kind of taken the place of - not exactly eclipsed - relationships, but hooking up is kind of an easier way for college students to act on their sexual desire without making a big commitment,” says Reis-Dennis, a history and literature major.

Even so, “it’s not like everyone is having casual sex all the time,” says sociologist Paula England of Stanford University, whose ongoing research since 2005 has surveyed more than 17,000 students from 20 colleges and universities. “Some people are hooking up a bunch of times with the same person but are not calling it a relationship. Others are never doing anything you would call a hookup.”

Her latest data find that by senior year, 72 percent of both sexes reported having at least one hookup, with the average of 9.7 for men and 7.1 for women. Just under one-quarter (24 percent) of seniors say they are virgins, she says.

The percentage of those who claim virginity appears to be increasing, according to a National Center for Health Statistics study released this month of 2006-08 data. Among 18- and 19-year-olds, about one-quarter of men and women said they hadn’t had sexual contact with another person, up from 17 percent of women and 22 percent of men in 2002. Among those ages 20-24, 12 percent of women and 13 percent of men said they were virgins, up from 8 percent for both sexes in 2002.

“Friends my age have not said they have chosen to be virgins,” says Ashley Thompson, 23, who will receive her master’s degree in public health from Ohio State University-Columbus in June.

Thompson, of Perrysburg, Ohio, is engaged, but “a lot of my peers, as women, have got a lot of other things going on. I think the fact that young women are able to focus on other life goals such as school or career could change the way they form relationships, which inherently would impact their sexual activity.”

Some studies find virgins in even higher numbers. Responses collected from 1,500 Duke University freshmen and seniors at the Durham, N.C., campus in 2007 found that about 53 percent of women and 40 percent of the men said they were virgins, says Wendy Brynildsen, a Duke doctoral student who will share that data in a paper at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association in August.

“Many people think I’m crazy” for not having sex, says Jon Haron, 21, of Highlands Ranch, Colo., a part-time college student studying aviation technology and air-traffic control. He also works part-time as a flight instructor.

“My core group of guy friends - my close friends - we’ve all made the decision to not have (sexual intercourse) until we’re married,” Haron says. But several friends, he adds, think it’s OK to engage in other sexual activity.

Although the government data offer no explanations for the growing percentage of virgins, there has been plenty of speculation, ranging from more open discussion about the health risks associated with casual sex to the busy lives of young people. Some cite the rise of the abstinence movement, while others point to easy access to Internet porn and an overtly sexualized culture that has made young people somewhat blasé about sex.

Choosing abstinence

“We’re seeing that the choice to remain abstinent is increasingly resonant,” says Valerie Huber, executive director of the non-profit National Abstinence Education Association, which will launch a campaign next year to “rebrand the cultural message” and tell young people that “sexual activity as a rite of passage” is no longer an expectation for teens and young adults.

While sexual experimentation is a part of life for many young people, Reis-Dennis, a history and literature major, says there also are many who don’t want to have a “throwaway sexual experience.”

“Personally, a lot of my friends at school have had sex,” she says. “As many, if not more, haven’t.”

Haron says his circle of friends, which includes about 15 guys, some with girlfriends, all have looked at porn and are trying to stay away from it. “Porn is easy,” he says. “I think that’s why a lot of guys are drawn to that. It’s so easy to get and they’re not going to be rejected, so why try with a girl?”

Researchers are well aware how the Internet has made porn and sex websites so accessible and appealing; Downing-Matibag says her students have shown her websites for virtual sex.

“They can go to those websites and have sexual relationships watching a webcam. They can still be a virgin and have 100 different partners online through chat rooms or webcams,” she says. “Young people have avatars (on-screen characters representing themselves online) and enter these virtual worlds that involve sexual encounters.”

But some of those who work to educate young people about sex say the new data about more virgins could signal change.

“The hookup culture seems to be predominating, but there might be the beginning of a pushback and relationships playing a much stronger role,” says James Wagoner, president of Advocates for Youth, a Washington-based non-profit.

Still, most young people are having some kind of sexual contact. “Humans are biological beings,” Garcia says. “We have a sex drive. To not recognize that in talking to young adults is foolish.”

The DL on cuddling.....

When you cuddle someone be sure to do it with your heart/feelings because doing so it may raise the intimacy between the persons.

On the very long list of things men don’t understand about women is the fact that women always want to cuddle. In fact, AM received this message from a befuddled reader who wanted to know exactly what it is about cuddling that women find so important:

"What is it with this cuddling business? All my girlfriend wants to do is cuddle. I don't understand the whole concept about cuddling. I think an article that explains why women think that cuddling is so important would be great."

This seems to be a common attitude among men who can’t wrap their brains around what their women see as the necessity of cuddling.
Why women cuddle
The act of cuddling releases a hormone called oxytocin, sometimes called the "cuddling hormone.” Oxytocin is responsible for provoking what scientists refer to as “pair bonding,” which means it makes the cuddling couple feel closer and more intimate. This helps to create a bond between a man and a woman. In evolutionary terms, a woman wants to create this pair bond in order to get the man to commit to her and their offspring. Even if your woman isn’t trying to marry you and start bearing your babies, she is likely still drawn to create an emotional bond with you and this kind of physical intimacy is a good way to do it.

Cuddling also feels pretty damn good when it’s done right, so another reason women insist on it is that the sensations triggered by a cuddle session can be very pleasurable.
Why men don’t cuddle
It can be exceptionally frustrating that your first instinct post-orgasm is to go right to sleep, while she prefers to get in a good cuddle session first. The reason for this is all about the hormones your brain releases after sex. As a man has an orgasm, a variety of brain chemicals are released including the hormone prolactin. Prolactin has a strong connection to sleep so its presence is probably responsible for a man’s tendency to want to sleep after sex. The release of prolactin also indicates the beginning of the “recovery time” that men have to take before having sex again. Women often don’t require any such time-out after having an orgasm.

Cuddling moves
For those new to the world of cuddling, you might need some tips to get you going. If you find yourself at a loss for what to do when you’re curled up in an embrace with your girlfriend, try one of these standard cuddling moves:

* Stroke her hair
* Kiss her forehead
* Touch her face
* Gently run your hands up and down her arms
* Intertwine your fingers with hers
* Rub her back gently
Get your cuddle on
Remember, cuddling doesn’t have to be relegated to a post-sex-only activity. In fact, she’ll probably enjoy it more if you spontaneously start a cuddle session in the middle of the day. Also, don’t forget that the point of cuddling is not to morph into foreplay on the way to sex. Cuddle for cuddling’s sake and the next time you do have sex, you’ll reap the rewards of making your girlfriend feel happy, connected and close to you.

Thank you for your input.